On vocoder abuse

The vocoder* is a powerful tool. But much like Spiderman's abilities, with the great power of the vocoder comes great responsibility. Use of the vocoder is not to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God. The vocoder is properly used to make the human voice sound beautiful, like the voice of a robotic angel. When it is abused or neglected, it is an affront to nature.


The human ear -- though the ability can become warped -- is tuned to hear the difference between the just and proper use of the vocoder and the egregious misuse to which it is so often subjected. Can you not hear that Zapp is good? Does not "I Wanna Be Your Man"** stir in one's heart feelings of the love between a man and his beloved? Does not "Computer Love" do the same, but replacing the word "beloved" with "Tandy?" Conversely, does not Lil Wayne's "Showtime" sound like a shitty, shitty trainwreck? Listen to your heart, Mr. Carter! The vocoder is not to be misused! You are walking a perilous path in the company of vocoder abusers like Cher, T-Pain, and even Bob Schnieder. Walk the narrow path, the path of Zapp, ELO, and Daft Punk.***

* I am using the term loosely to include any sort of modulated vocal effect, including talk boxes and Auto-Tune.

** Yes, I know I've linked to this song before. If you don't want to listen to it, try this instead.

*** And before anybody says anything about "facile electronic dance music," s/he should "STFU," as the kids say.