Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The war on Christmas, won

Hooray for Christmas!

Hooray because Christmas is safe from those who would destroy it! I'll get to how I know this in a second, but first an explanation for the neophytes. The war on Christmas is a battle raging in strip malls, big box stores, and government offices over the use of the word "Christmas." Some people would like the word annihilated in an attempt to destroy the meaning of Christmas by removing it from our very thoughts and malls. They will stop at nothing; the word is being replaced with "holidays" in catalogs and greetings intoned by underpaid employees. Good Christians are boycotting stores that don't use the word "Christmas" and flocking in droves to those that do. And apparently it's working: the Christian message is being heard. Soon the word Christmas will become a permanent part of American culture!

Here's how I know: one week ago, on KOOP 91.7's wonderful "Elk Mating Ritual Show," I heard a song called "All I want for Christmas is to Get it Crunk" by the Dirty Boyz. Hallelujah! The Christian message is getting out there every time someone hears lyrics such as "Mister mister Santa Claus, can I get a ho-ho-ho / With a body like Serena Williams under my mistletoe" or "my Christmas list ain't long, so listen up Santa Claus / Can I be Jay-Z for a day so I can get in Beyoncé's drawers? / Or just have Halle Berry call and I swear I'll do it all / I'll do it like Billy Bob Thornton did 'cause I'm working with a monster ball."

Despite the jarring admission of testicular abnormalities, this is a song any Christian can get behind, as it uses the word Christmas not just in the title, but repeatedly in the song!

But I think my point is made. In all seriousness, here is my real Christmas wish, expressed through the lyrics of another song, written some time in the 12th century, and translated (with greatly expanded meaning) in the 19th century:

Oh come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Oh, bid our sad divisions cease,
And be yourself the King of Peace;
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, Oh Israel!

1 comment:

  1. i will not be asking Santa for a "ho-ho-ho with a body like Serena Williams under my mistletoe". i can't think of anything scarier.