How people found this blog in 2009, pt. 2

Continuing yesterday's post, here are the Google searches that led people to this blog in 2009, broken down by category and italicized for your viewing convenience.


Category five: Perverts

Other than Jon Bon Jovi searches (see below), this category utterly dominated, proving that the Internet is pretty much the grossest thing ever. Below is a small sampling (no, seriously, it's just a sampling) of the searches in this category. (See this post if you're confused about why I'm getting these searches.)

actor young bare feet
devon sawa bare foot
dirty bare soles
dirty barefeet walking pictures
kids barefeet
"bare feet" actors
"messy bare feet"
bare feet in paint
bare feet in pie fight
bare feet kids in movies
bare feet messy
barefeet walk for charity
dirty bare soles gallery
flikr barefoot guys
foot fetishist's wife
feet pie face
feet of actors
kid bare sole
kids "dirty bare feet"
kids bare soles
kids in their bare feet
kids walk around bare feet
kids who love bare feet
sexy guys bare soles of feet
pranks "her bare feet"
writing on bare sole
young barefoot guys

Ahhhhhhhhhhh ... internet. Contrary to what certain commenters may think, I'm not creeped out by foot fetishists. What I'm creeped out by is people who -- to steal a quote from one Amanda Hess writing on the "Christian side hug" -- sexualize even the most mundane forms of human contact. Watching a PG movie primarily in the hope that you're going to see some sexy, sexy feet ... yeah, that's weird. I stand by that. Oh, also I'm creeped out by pedophiles.

Category six: Jon Bon Jovi

There are about a millon of these, and most of them aren't even slightly interesting. My favorite Bon Jovi search is definitely:

cite instances when bon jovi considers his life important

Sorry, pal, but I'm not going to do your Psychology of Bon Jovi homework for you.

Category seven (also 5a, 6a): Questions, various

was bon jovi two face?

No. That was Aaron Eckhart, who looks nothing like ... wait, let me image seach this first. Holy shit, he's practically a dead ringer for Bon Jovi! See?

JBJ

Aaron Eckhart

Also, Aaron Eckhart has the best coffee table art ever:

So, that wasn't a bad question! I liked that one. Thanks for not creeping me out, random Google searcher. Let's see what else we've got.

why do people enjoy going to the islands?

That's another nice question. Maybe a little obvious, but I'll answer it regardless. People like to go to beautiful places with nice weather when they're vacationing, and tropical islands have economies centered around tourism. It can be very relaxing to go to a place where people are accustomed to serving tourists, even if it can feel a bit exploitative at times. Good question. Next?

why do people enjoy fucking

Oh, hmm. Okay, well, you're going to want a question mark on that. And ... well, I'm not going to answer that one. Next?

why do guys like other guys bare feet?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

pic "his feet" "jon bon jovi" fetish

AAaaahhhhhh! Okay, so that one is in the wrong category, but just imagine how disappointed our Google searcher must have been to find a blog that mocked not only foot fetishists, but also Bon Jovi. Just to make it up to you, my pervy friend, here is a picture of JBJ barefoot and humping a tablecloth.

TOMORROW: THE THRILLING CONCLUSION

How people found this blog in 2009, pt. 1

2009 was an interesting year for this blog. Well, the first nine months or so were, since I didn't actually post in the last quarter of the year. I have a good reason for that, though -- you see, I didn't feel like writing anything at any point during those three months.

Nevertheless, a lot of people found the blog, and a large number of them arrived here via Google. Here are some of the interesting search terms, broken down by category and italicized.

Category one: Incompetence in the workplace
incompetent coworker
my coworker is incompetent
my coworker skips work
what to say to an incompetent coworker
jobs you can't get fired from
i am an incompetent worker
long list of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility

If you came to this blog looking for advice on what to do about an incompetent coworker, you're in the wrong place. I have an incompetent subordinate and I haven't been able to do anything about it in the almost two years I've been at this job. If you are searching for jobs you can't get fired from, you're on the right path, but the job you're looking for is currently filled by Mustafa and is -- sadly -- unlikely to become available anytime soon.


Category two: Young people, enjoyment
things that people enjoy
25 things young people think
band names for young people
band names list for young people
because young people today enjoy
ross fashion for young people
enjoying in the face of little less than sixteen
things that people enjoy from trees
some joys of like people enjoy

This one just breaks my heart. I'm imagining oldsters trying to figure out how to entertain their grandkids or whatever, only to discover this terrible blog. Well, I'm going to become part of the solution: young people enjoy croquet and mostly they listen to good, wholesome music like Pat Boone or Cannibal Corpse. Also, they love receiving clothes from Ross Dress For Less. And some joy of like people enjoy include running happy in field yes and to drunk easter mallow. You know, from trees.

Category 2a: The bone roller coaster, riding it
ride the bone roller coaster
bone roller coaster

I really wish this had drawn a lot more traffic to my site, but yes, young people also enjoy roller coasters.


Category three: Lil Wayne
what's wrong with lil wayne's voice
why does lil wayne use the vocoder so much
lil wayne's voice
do lil wayne get stuck writing
down lil wayne's voice
is lil wayne's voice natural
obstacles lil' wayne face

In response:
1. What's wrong with Lil' Wayne's voice is that it makes him sound like he's a robot dying of emphysema. He uses the vocoder so much because a teleporter accident fused his larynx with a nearby autotuner.
2. No, he does not get stuck when he's writing songs, because he doesn't "write" anything, per se. He freestyles terrible rhymes over shitty samples, laughs at his own jokes, and repeats words in order to make his rhymes work.
3. Obstacles Lil' Wayne has had to overcome include addiction to cough syrup and a general lack of talent. Working in his favor, however, is the apparent inability of music consumers to discern between music that is good and that which is well-marketed. Also, the aforementioned teleporter accident has doomed him to slowly transform into Jeff Goldblum.

Category four: Hipsters
hipsters in san antonio
40 year old hipster
overweight hipster

Don't get nasty, brother. Also, I'm not forty. And I'm only ... slightly overweight. Fuck you, Google.

Coming tomorrow: MORE EXCITING GOOGLE SEARCH TERMS OOOOOH SHIIIIIIIIT

The Talented Mr. Snipes

(or: The blog post in which I pretend to be a racist)

Greetings, blog friends.

Below is a new blog post that "I" "wrote."



laaazlo: morning
danecookfan4life: good morning
laaazlo: without consulting the internet, do you know what the vietnamese currency is called?
danecookfan4life: dong?
laaazlo: yes
laaazlo: dong
danecookfan4life: lucky guess on my part
laaazlo: always bet on dong
danecookfan4life: that's what that guy from designing women said
laaazlo: yes, wesley snipes from designing women
laaazlo: or maybe it was in ghostbusters
danecookfan4life: no. wesley snipes said always bet on black
danecookfan4life: the guy from designing women said always bet on dong
danecookfan4life: although i think he said it in mannequin
laaazlo: i've always preferred wesley snipe's work in driving miss daisy
laaazlo: although his standup movies (delirious, raw) were quite excellent, if a little homophobic
laaazlo: pretty good for a guy who got kicked off the mets for doing cocaine
laaazlo: and then murdered his wife and her lover but got off scott-free with some highly skilled self-representation in court
laaazlo: although you feel for him, since he was only recently allowed basic civil rights in south africa
laaazlo: which is ironic, since mr. snipes is 70% of the population of that country
danecookfan4life: you should publish this under a pseudonym.
laaazlo: my most well-known pseudonym is probably a little too well known
danecookfan4life: you can find another
danecookfan4life: Here's one for you: The Talented Mr. Snipes
laaazlo: i'm going to start another pseudonymous blog for mock racism
danecookfan4life: you can't go wrong with that
laaazlo: all right
laaazlo: i'm on it

UPDATE: Early reviews of this post have declared it as truly racist, since there is no such thing as mock racism. I have also been equated with the kind of man who would wear a shirt with a rape joke on it. I would like to state for the record that I do not presently own any rape-themed shirts, nor do I currently have plans to acquire any. I also plan to prove that I am in fact not racist by following this post up with a completely non-racist one.

So I'm getting into this "blogging" thing

It's just the coolest! See, weblogging -- or 'blogging for short -- is where you update your homepage with links and stories about all the shit you do and want friends and strangers to know all about! I found out about it from these guys Matthew and Jake from MIT. They're sort of iconoclasts; one wears a JESTER'S HAT and the other has dyed his hair purple. PURPLE! Anyway, weblogging is hot shit right now and everybody's going to love it. I'm hoping this "Yahoo" homepage that Matthew and Jake have on their reverse links page might "link" to my weblog. I wonder who I'd need to write for that?

But seriously folks.

I got an offer for a freelance writing gig, based on the Bon Jovi post. At first I was excited -- I like writing, and I would love being paid for it. The trial assignment was reasonable enough, but the client wanted something hip with recognizable pop culture references and I realized pretty quickly that I know jack shit about pop culture. (Also, I'm not hip, but that's well-known.) I know a lot about some things -- namely classic rock -- but my main exposure to current pop culture comes from radio hip hop* and The Hater; and even with those I have to refer to Urbandictionary and Wikipedia constantly to get references. So I flaked on the dude (if you're reading this -- sorry!) and somehow that completely killed my ability or desire to write. I think I didn't want to look like an asshole by writing for my own pleasure after I left somebody else in the cold.

But the reality is that I am, in fact, part asshole. I occasionally need to scream out "I DON'T WANT NO PART OF YOUR TIGHT-ASS COUNTRY CLUB, YA FREAK BITCH!" This blog is the Franklin to my Buster.**

With that in mind, I'm about to type something so annoying, so asshole-ish that I would never in a million years say it aloud. Are you ready? Here goes: I don't have a TV.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," you're thinking, "not one of these douchebags. Get off your fucking high horse already you hipster piece of shit. Go ride your fixie down to Best Buy and order a fucking bigscreen already." Your internal monologue isn't afraid to work blue and is surprisingly hostile but I'm going somewhere with this, so calm down already. Ever since I moved out of my freshman dorm room, I haven't had a TV. At first, I just didn't buy one because I didn't get around to it. Then I realized that I actually like not having a TV of my own (I've lived with numerous TV-owning roommates in the intervening years). It's partially due to my extroverted personality -- watching TV by myself is unsettling and I can't pay attention.

Regardless, when I realized I was going to be one of those people without a TV, I decided not to mention it if I could at all avoid it. This decision -- ten years running -- has given me an especial dislike for people who LOVE to mention their TV-less status whenever possible. The other day I was talking to a new employee who happens to have the same last name as a character on 30 Rock. When I mentioned that fact she said, "Oh I rarely watch TV -- I actually don't even have one." Oh really? Well, la-tee-dah, lady. Aren't you just St. Francis of Assisi? Look, I've been "rarely watching TV" since you were "rarely" watching the Smurfs in your Underoos, so S-T-F-U already.

Of course I didn't say any of that to her face -- I'm just going to make a point of asking who she likes on American Idol every time I see her.

* Shut your mouth, this shit is delightful.

** Yeah, I know Franklin is GOB's puppet, but he's most brilliant in the hands of the eternally-repressed Buster.

On the internet, everybody knows you're a perv

I'm going to start with a digression. The title of this post is a reference to a famous New Yorker cartoon by some guy named Peter Steiner. The cartoon has one dog using a computer, talking to another dog. The computer-using dog says: "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog." And that's the joke. He's a dog, and nobody knows it -- on the Internet. You know it's a good joke because it has the word "Internet" in it, and the internet is inherently humorous if you're a print cartoonist or Jay Leno. It's really quite droll, trust me. Just think about it.

Oh, there it is up there. Ha! A dog. Oh man, the life of a New Yorker cartoonist must be difficult. First you have to find out what are some good joke topics by spending upwards of five minutes listening to CNN while you make breakfast, and then you have to come up with a sentence that includes one of those topics. And then draw a picture. (In defense of Peter Steiner, his quotes in the linked Wikipedia article make it sound like he thinks the joke was dumb too.)

Anyway, a few years ago I was innocently browsing the IMDB user reviews of the movie Hook (I have no idea why), when I noticed an interesting review by one "Mr. SNL." Here it is, in its entirety:

I liked this movie a great deal. I enjoyed the actors performances a lot and I am glad to see such great actors in these roles. The story is well done as well with all of the original cartoon's aspects as well as some new ones. My favorite scene in the movie is where they're all at the table eating their imaginary supper. That is, until Peter starts a huge food fight. That's why it's enjoyable for kids because they all end up getting pies in the face and getting messy. I liked how they even threw pies at Tinkerbell. And it always makes me laugh to see Tinkerbell's bare feet get covered in messy pie and then she slams her bare feet down in the mess. I also find it hilarious when all of the cake and mess squishes up between her toes. Even Robin Williams stands in the mess on the table in his bare feet. I like how actors will do lots of stuff like this. This is a very good film.

I clicked on Mr. SNL's name to see the rest of his reviews, and I started to notice a theme. Let's see if you can detect it as well, dear readers. Here is the review that Mr. SNL (email address: simmadownnow) wrote for "Malcolm in the Middle":

They're a real family, bare feet and all!

This show is very realistic. I especially like how all of the characters act like real members of an average family. They all seem like they ARE part of a family. I also like that they don't always stay in their shoes like on other shows. They walk around in bare feet and the actors aren't afraid to take their shoes and socks off and show their bare feet and soles on camera. All in all, this is a very realistic show.

And his review of "Bill Nye, the Science Guy":

Great show for kids!

This is a great show and i hope it sticks around for a long time. It teaches kids many different things about science and uses things that they find enjoyable and fun to watch. For example, on the dinosaurs episode, they had two kids put their bare feet in paint to make footprints on paper...kids love to get their bare feet very messy! On the momentum episode, they had pies thrown at Bill's face. I don't know anyone who doesn't like getting a pie in the face! Kids like to walk around in bare feet also, and in one episode, these two guys were in their bare feet and they fell over in their chairs so you could see their bare feet. It was great. I really like how this show relates to kids. Kids love it and I hope it's around for a long time!

Although he wasn't quite as positive about the 1999 Seth Green vehicle "Idle Hands"; it seemed to be lacking some important elements:

Amazing movie, but....

This is a very funny movie from start to finish. It is very interesting how the actors interact with the hand. I like how Devon Sawa did very well manipulating his hand the way he did. I notice in films and on TV that actors sleep with their socks on. I like the way that Devon slept in bare feet and put his bare soles on the table for us to see. They were dirty bare feet which was also realistic because after walking across the floor, your bare soles do get dusty. I think an added piece of humor would have been if someone popped up and smashed a pie onto Devon's bare feet. It would have been interesting to see him react to his bare feet being covered in pie. I think Seth Green should have been in his bare feet in his house too. All in all, this was a good movie.

If only the director had listened to the fans for once, then Idle Hands could have been a blockbuster, at least among the pie/foot fetishist set.

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP

I encourage you to read the rest of Mr. SNL's reviews. They're full of childlike naivete and/or unspeakable perversion. The best comments are those in which he makes suggestions like "I think if they wanted to make it funny, they should have used cream pies instead of mousetraps and still had them walk in their bare feet and step in the pies," or just when he makes little observations such as "kids love messy feet," and "kids love having messy bare feet," or even "Who doesn't love pies in the face and messy bare feet?" Who indeed. It's like this guy's never heard of porn. Frankly, he would be a lot less creepy as a porn collector than as somebody who watches regular TV shows and movies in the hopes of glimpsing a bare foot and/or pie. However, he is less creepy than accidentally stumbling across a foot fetishist's flickr photostream, and infinitely less creepy than the time an innocent flickr picture of my wife was favorited by -- I shit you not -- an apparent gaucho pants fetishist.

A question for cellphone designers

Is there a functional reason why cell phones are deisgned to explode like a Rock'Em Sock'Em Robot when dropped? I'm only asking because I would feel slightly better to know that my phone's histrionic part-shedding explosions weren't just for the benefit of some sadistic product designer who gets off on that kind of thing. Of couse it can't be the work of one man, since literally every phone I've owned has lost its battery and back case when dropped from more than a few inches.

The first person who tells me their iPhone doesn't explode when dropped gets punched.

Back again, my face

I'm back. I was in El Salvador last week. No, not for the last month. I just haven't felt particularly inspired with the blogging and whatnot.

What was I doing in El Salvador, you ask? Why, I was building houses. Houses for POOR PEOPLE. What were you doing? Something not as awesome, I bet. (I am fronting here because in the real world I feel a mixture of (a) reticence about mentioning that this was a charity trip so as to not sound like a self-righteous dick and (b) genuine excitement about the fact that I did actually get to do something really cool that helped some really needy people. But that kind of complexity doesn't play well on the blog, see?)

The highlights of the trip were spending time with a great team of people from my church, building a house, hanging out with lots of kids, and eating a shitload of beans and rice. We had a $275 food budget for 10 people over 7 days -- and we made it! On the other hand, it will be a while before I can see a corn tortilla without retching. I'll cover the trip more later. In short, it was a great time and I got to translate the phrase "lago con fuego y azufre" (lake of fire and sulphur, that is) at least once. Good times.

Getting home was kind of a pain in the ass. My flight was to land in Houston -- where Baby and the girls were waiting for me -- but it got diverted to Austin due to poor weather. But I couldn't get off the plane in Austin and had to wait for the plane to refuel and fly back to Houston, so that I could take the airport shuttle to the crazy half-finished hotel Baby chose for us, where we stayed the night before driving back to Austin. The girls liked the hotel, but a roach encounter early on meant that they were talking about roaches the whole time we were there. (Mainly this consists of Alia saying "Daddy! Woach! Daddy! Woach! I saw woach!" over and over again.)

Shortly after getting back to Austin, I decided I was going to surprise Baby by shaving my glorious, full, beautiful beard, the pride of my face. (I did this partially because yesterday was our seventh anniversary, and partially because my sunburn/beard/tattered clothes combo was making me look more homeless than I usually aspire to.) Unfortunately my face seems to have grown accustomed to my laissez-faire shaving policies and has revolted against the razor. In short, I look like Michail Gorbechev headbutted me on the mouth and his birthmark came off on my face. Or sort of like I have face herpes. Or perhaps like the Phantom of the Opera. Or maybe it's more like I'm wearing a pain muzzle. Or possibly that I'm sporting a youth minister goatee made of suffering. Regardless, it's fucking embarrassing to be seen in public. I am really looking forward to getting my beard back, but it seems unwise to grow it out until my face is healed from whatever the fuck is wrong with it. Yesterday, nobody at work was tactless enough to mention the SARS mask of abomination clinging to my face, so I thought "perhaps it's not as noticeable as I'm thinking." But that was only because Mustafa took the day off. The first thing he said to me this morning -- after ten merciful days of not seeing one another -- was "what happened to your face?"

And I had nearly forgiven him for saying my beardlessness made me look "very chubby" when I shaved last year.