Sunday, September 20, 2009

So I'm getting into this "blogging" thing

It's just the coolest! See, weblogging -- or 'blogging for short -- is where you update your homepage with links and stories about all the shit you do and want friends and strangers to know all about! I found out about it from these guys Matthew and Jake from MIT. They're sort of iconoclasts; one wears a JESTER'S HAT and the other has dyed his hair purple. PURPLE! Anyway, weblogging is hot shit right now and everybody's going to love it. I'm hoping this "Yahoo" homepage that Matthew and Jake have on their reverse links page might "link" to my weblog. I wonder who I'd need to write for that?

But seriously folks.

I got an offer for a freelance writing gig, based on the Bon Jovi post. At first I was excited -- I like writing, and I would love being paid for it. The trial assignment was reasonable enough, but the client wanted something hip with recognizable pop culture references and I realized pretty quickly that I know jack shit about pop culture. (Also, I'm not hip, but that's well-known.) I know a lot about some things -- namely classic rock -- but my main exposure to current pop culture comes from radio hip hop* and The Hater; and even with those I have to refer to Urbandictionary and Wikipedia constantly to get references. So I flaked on the dude (if you're reading this -- sorry!) and somehow that completely killed my ability or desire to write. I think I didn't want to look like an asshole by writing for my own pleasure after I left somebody else in the cold.

But the reality is that I am, in fact, part asshole. I occasionally need to scream out "I DON'T WANT NO PART OF YOUR TIGHT-ASS COUNTRY CLUB, YA FREAK BITCH!" This blog is the Franklin to my Buster.**

With that in mind, I'm about to type something so annoying, so asshole-ish that I would never in a million years say it aloud. Are you ready? Here goes: I don't have a TV.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," you're thinking, "not one of these douchebags. Get off your fucking high horse already you hipster piece of shit. Go ride your fixie down to Best Buy and order a fucking bigscreen already." Your internal monologue isn't afraid to work blue and is surprisingly hostile but I'm going somewhere with this, so calm down already. Ever since I moved out of my freshman dorm room, I haven't had a TV. At first, I just didn't buy one because I didn't get around to it. Then I realized that I actually like not having a TV of my own (I've lived with numerous TV-owning roommates in the intervening years). It's partially due to my extroverted personality -- watching TV by myself is unsettling and I can't pay attention.

Regardless, when I realized I was going to be one of those people without a TV, I decided not to mention it if I could at all avoid it. This decision -- ten years running -- has given me an especial dislike for people who LOVE to mention their TV-less status whenever possible. The other day I was talking to a new employee who happens to have the same last name as a character on 30 Rock. When I mentioned that fact she said, "Oh I rarely watch TV -- I actually don't even have one." Oh really? Well, la-tee-dah, lady. Aren't you just St. Francis of Assisi? Look, I've been "rarely watching TV" since you were "rarely" watching the Smurfs in your Underoos, so S-T-F-U already.

Of course I didn't say any of that to her face -- I'm just going to make a point of asking who she likes on American Idol every time I see her.

* Shut your mouth, this shit is delightful.

** Yeah, I know Franklin is GOB's puppet, but he's most brilliant in the hands of the eternally-repressed Buster.


  1. You post so infrequently. It's like you get off on withholding.

  2. It's ok if you take the TV from upstairs. You could have just asked without dragging the blog into it.

  3. i wish you talked like this in real life.

  4. xie and i have a tv now. its pretty great, but we dont have cable, which i think in 5 years will be the new version of the "i dont have a TV" douche. torrents + hulu only in our house hold *nose in the air*

  5. Weird, that is EXACTLY what my internal monologue sounds like. I'm usually exhausted from all the rampant self-sensoring I have to do all day.
    I LOVE this post. My brother and I usually joke, when we say that we don't watch TV, that we do "watch NOVA." But when you say "NOVA" you have to say it with your teeth clenched, otherwise the a-holery might not be clear.

  6. Yeah, when we didn't have a TV I tried not to mention it either. It came out at work once and a peer said to me, "You don't have a TV? What do you DO?"

    That said, the JBJ post was indeed pro-caliber. I didn't realize you were just regular.

  7. A) Dave stole my 30-Rock related comment
    B) The first third of this post qualifies you as my new hero. I love you more than biscuits.
    C) So how do you watch 30-Rcok and Arrested Development? Are you watching TV on your computer? I may have to rescind point B...

  8. I recently commented on the JBJ issue and thought it would be prudent to check out the rest of this blog. I'm going to be the cool person who says they LIKE their TV, for the same reason people brag that they don't have one. I like The Office and I like 30 Rock, but we recently got rid of Dish in an effort to save money. Part of me wanted to hang on to Dish (oh my sweet Dish!), but the other part of me likes electricity and to eat occasionally. So there went the Dish and what I didn't REALIZE is that we never got one of those government mandated (grrrr...) digital television converter box (doo-hickies?) to do whatever voodoo it does to make my tv work, and this has apparently caused a rift in the space-time sombrero and I can't get a SINGLE CHANNEL, not even a local one. !!!!! ~MEG